Sometimes when I look at my life, it’s a little unreal. I’ve done a lot, and at almost 51, I’m not exactly slowing down. These days I say, I’ve lived more days than I have left. I want to get the most out of them.
I admit, that my desire to do all the things seems obsessive at times. But, to quote a line from the show Station Eleven, “I don’t want to live the wrong life, and then die.”
I’m actually very goal oriented. I see a place I want to be and point myself in that general direction. At the moment that place is doing my own food and getting paid for it. A recent stint as a line cook reminded me I want to run my own show, or at least be in a place where I can contribute to the menu in a creative way. This is the curse of ambition. I visualize what I want and feel compelled to make it happen.
I’ve been here before. I still feel the sting of losing my Merchant Marine opportunity, when I was just days away. Maybe that was a blessing. Now I’m but some weeks away from traveling across Canada to be a cook at a tree planting camp. It’s a job I’m oddly prepared and uniquely qualified for.
I was talking to a friend about the interview, and how they emphasized the camp part. “Don’t they know who you are?” Said the friend incredulously. I have to admit, I like the twists and turns life offers.
I’m excited although somewhat cautiously optimistic. It’s a long trip, and I’m still tieing up Canadian loose ends. And I worry karma will rear it’s ugly head. My dreams feel tenuous, like the whole thing could unravel at any time. This is but a step in the direction I want to go, so once again I’ll put my foot out hoping not to lose my balance, not to fall. Everything I do seems to lead to something else that’s taking me to a place I hope I want to go.
Beyond Clarity 