Failing To Maintain Control

The problem with disappointment is that it makes me feel lost. When I plan on something, it means I have fleshed this version of me out. I have visualized what that life is like, and I could see myself in it. When things fall apart, it’s a loss I have to mourn, because I was already in that place in my mind.

I learned to think ahead in the Army. It made me ambitious and always working for the next step. I learned to see what needed to happen in order to get there. This method guided me for most of my adult life.

When plans fail, I take it pretty hard. I start deconstructing every decision, and chastising myself for every instance of laziness or procrastination.  If only I had (insert regret here). In the grieving process, this is known as bargaining.

I go through the entire grieving process when plans fail: shock, disbelief, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. In my present situation I seem to go through all of these stages on a daily basis.

Now when plans fail, I feel that I’ve failed. I failed to make something happen. I’ve spent so much of my life willing things into existence,┬áthat when I can’t make something happen, I feel miserable. I failed to foresee what could happen. I went out on a ledge, and it broke out from under me.

That literally happened once when I was a kid. I was on a kind of field trip with a show that we were performing at other schools. We had lunch in a park and decided to climb the trees. I climbed the highest and chose a branch that couldn’t support my weight.

I heard the crack and felt it give way from under me. I heard someone yell my name and someone else scream as I felt my head hit multiple branches on the way down. And then I hit the ground.

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe I fell. But there I was, on the ground. An ambulance came and took me to a local hospital where I was treated for a concussion and a broken clavicle. My cast went on to perform without me.

When I finally made it home, I felt like such an asshole. I let my troupe down because I wanted to show off.

I kind of feel like that now. The biggest difference is I let myself down more than anyone else. I know, in reality, that life at present is an intersection of multiple planes that are entirely out of my control. But still, I feel like I could have done more to will fate in my favor.

I have a plan B, but I still have a few major obstacles to overcome to implement it. So, I’m not entirely sure what will happen next.

So not my jam.

Published by Clarisa

Traveler, Writer, Cook, Mariner, Veteran

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